6/17/20: Cancerversary

Well, a year ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer.

Just a little more than one year ago, life was pretty normal. There was still a chance that my cyst was just a cyst, nothing more. But in the year since 6/17/19, cancer has been front and center. My mother's passing, my dad's cancer, and COVID-19 have all made mortality loom even larger. What a year.

It's been a year of regular, sometimes weekly visits to the Cancer Center. A year of doctor appointments, treatments, and physical therapy. A year of surgeries, medications, and side effects.

I was up late and typed up a long post, but upon re-reading, I was basically just wading knee-deep in the pity pool. So I deleted it. I mean, suffice it to say, having cancer is no fun.

Some people have tried to be encouraging by saying things like, "Now that surgery / chemo is over, you can put cancer behind you and move forward!" I can't speak for everyone, but for me, it doesn't seem like having cancer is something I'll ever be able to "put behind me." Side effects and missing boobs are a constant reminder. Six months after my last chemo, my hair is still too short for me to go out in public without a hat. (I am really so relieved that COVID-19 provides the perfect excuse to stay home and not be seen. Dodging Zoom calls takes a bit more effort.) Even after my Herceptin treatments end this fall, I'll still be getting daily and monthly hormone therapy indefinitely. And, of course, there is always the fear that the cancer will return.

Okay, I guess I'm still in the pity pool. Don't worry, I'll get out eventually. But sometimes you just need to sit in it for a while.