Being Flat (No Reconstruction): Prosthetics and Clothing

I didn't expect to make this post until a bit later. But now that chemo is lurking on the horizon, I expect DMX-related concerns will take a back seat, so I figured I might as well post these thoughts now.

It's taking a while to get used to having a new body, a new image of myself. But each time I see a friend, or go out in public, I gain a little bit of confidence.

Prosthetics

I'm about 4 weeks post-DMX. My chest is still tender, bruised, and numb, and the numbness still extends into my right underarm. It feels weird and uncomfortable placing anything up against my chest, so I haven't worn any prosthetics yet. I'm getting more comfortable in my flatness, but I'm still open to the idea of prosthetics. Anyway, it makes me feel psychologically better knowing I have the option.

Before my surgery, I had read that you shouldn't bother shopping for prosthetics until after recovery, because the shape of your chest may affect the fit and feel of the prosthetics. Since I ended up a bit concave on one side, that advice seems appropriate. Still, even before surgery, I wanted something, even if it wasn't perfect, just in case. Again, it just made me feel less anxious, having them available.

Below are a couple options I found. I have not yet asked my NP for a prescription for contoured, custom-made prosthetics. I know that's an option, but I figure there's no need to spend the time and money (even if it's insurance money) unless I think I will really use them.

• Knitted Knockers - An organization that provides light-weight, knitted prosthetics free of charge to anyone who requests them. I requested a set via their web site a few weeks before surgery. They arrived a week before my surgery date, and I felt better just knowing I had an immediate prosthetic option in case I needed it. (If you or a friend are a knitter, the web site also has knitting patterns available. You'll need to know the patient's bra size.)
• Athleta Empower Mastectomy Bra Inserts - Also available online, these are only $10 for two forms for one side (left or right), so $20 for 2 sets. 

Of course, in order to wear these prosthetics, I needed bras that accommodate inserts. Athleta has a whole line of post-mastectomy bras priced in the $40-60 range. I also realized that a couple of my old bras just happened to have pockets for inserts, so maybe I can still use those, too.

Like I said, I expected to make this post later, and I haven't actually worn any of the forms for any length of time yet, so I really can't comment on their look or feel.

Clothing

Since I'm not wearing prosthetics yet, I definitely need new clothes to wear as a "flattie". Clothes that will fit and flatter my new shape with no bust while not accentuating my "Buddha belly"! Maybe one day I will be comfortable showing off my flatness, but at this point, I'm looking for clothes that will hide it. I have a few items in my closet that I think can still work - especially if I throw a scarf over it - but I really want more options. Generally speaking, I'm looking into ruffles, cowl necks, cardigans, layers, and scarves.

I'm not a fan of shopping, so I renewed my Stitch Fix subscription. About a week before surgery, I re-activated my account to request a fix about 2 weeks after surgery (hoping my drains would be out by then), and I signed up for the most frequent delivery option. (I should have waited more like 3 weeks after surgery for that first fix, because I had a hard time getting shirts on and off over my head!) I entered a note in my "Style Profile" explaining my double mastectomy without reconstruction and how I'm looking for tops that will hide my flatness.

11/22/19 Update: As it turned out, Stitch Fix didn't work out for me. I still appreciate having gone through the process, because it gave me a much better idea of what kinds of clothes work and don't work for me, and what I'm looking for. Another option I ended up trying was Amazon Prime Wardrobe, with which I had a much better success rate. The difference is that Amazon Prime Wardrobe allows you to choose your own items.

The other thing I had to shop for is camisoles. One of the pros of going flat is not needing to wear a bra anymore! But since I still have some swelling in the underarm area, my incisions are still healing, plus the fact that I'm a bit concave on one side, I just feel better wearing something like an undershirt, at least for now. Wearing a camisole prevents clothes from rubbing against my incisions, and it gives the illusion that my chest is nice and smooth.

I bought a variety of camisoles and tank tops from Jockey, a brand I've had good luck with. I got them about 3 weeks post-DMX so I could wear them once I stopped wearing my surgical bra and compression band. I like them all, and they are stretchy enough that I could get them on even without full range of motion in my arms.

• Jockey Supersoft Camisole - Material is thin and lightweight, I can barely feel I'm wearing it; seems the most like an undershirt.
• Jockey Modern Tactel Cami - Slippery smooth; I ordered up a size so it's more loose-fitting and can be worn as a visible layer under another shirt or a cardigan. 
• Jockey Rib Tank - Material is heavier, would make a nice under layer in the winter, or could be worn alone in the summer, if I ever get to the point of being comfortable showing my flatness.
• Jockey Eco-Comfort Tank - Lightweight; runs small and is snug even though I ordered up a size; makes for a good undershirt.

9/8/19: (16 Days Post-DMX) I Took a Walk and Tried on Clothes

Today was the first day I left the house. I don't think going to get my drains out counts because it was medically necessary.

There's no medical reason keeping me from going out. Even with drains in, I could have gone out, as long as I didn't drive.

I just haven't felt ready to face the world yet. Family and friends have visited me at home, which I've loved, but I don't feel ready to see anyone who doesn't already know about my cancer and surgery. I don't care about strangers, just people who I actually know.

If I don't wear prosthetics, won't they notice my flat chest? Even if they don't notice, I'll be self-conscious about it. Would they dare ask? Should I explain it pre-emptively? If someone asks, "How was your summer?", it would feel disingenuous to not mention the diagnosis and surgery. But if I do mention it, wouldn't that be "TMI" for a casual run-in? Am I just supposed to fake it to avoid uncomfortable conversations? That doesn't feel right either.

I could wear prosthetics and altogether avoid any inquiries, assuming they look natural enough to pass. But then will I feel like I'm hiding a secret? Might that also feel inauthentic? Anyway I don't feel ready to wear prosthetics yet because my chest is still sore and numb and nothing in that area feels natural right now.

So my family and I went for a walk. Well, my husband and son biked while my daughter and I walked. I have avoided walking in my neighborhood because I don't want to have to face either of the above scenarios with neighbors who don't know. So we went to a local biking/walking trail.

I'm still wearing the surgical bra and compression band (as recommended by my NP), and I wore a light button-down flannel over that. I'm glad the weather is getting cooler; at this point, I'd prefer clothes that hide, or at least don't bring attention to, my flatness, and maybe bulky fall and winter clothes will make that easier than light and breezy spring and summer clothes.

The trail is fairly well-used, and I dreaded running into someone I know, but luckily I didn't. I generally just avoided eye contact altogether. There was this one older gentleman on a bike, slowly coming towards me, who looked me right in the eyes and said a friendly, "Good morning." Just this one interaction made me start to tear up, I don't even know why. I'm just really emotional right now.

Anyway, I walked for a little over half an hour, and my Fitbit tracked just under 4,000 steps. I just took it nice and slow, and it felt really great to be active and outdoors.

I'm hoping now to start walking again every day, to get back to walking 30 minutes a day. I won't worry about keeping a "moderate" pace just yet; I'll start by just getting in the time, at whatever pace is comfortable. There's a secluded area behind our house where I used to do my walking, where I'm unlikely to run into other people. I hadn't gone walking there since the surgery because it entails going up and down a couple steep hills, but Ken and I walked it today to make sure I can handle it.

The other thing I did today was try on some clothes. I really dislike shopping, so in preparation for my new flatness, I re-activated my Stitch Fix account. I made a note in my "Style Profile" that I had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction and specifically want new clothes that "fit and flatter" my new body. I'll have to update my profile to be more clear, though, because two tops they sent me actually accentuate the flatness, rather than hide it. Haha. Maybe one day I will be ready to flaunt my flatness! But not now.

It was probably a bit early for trying on clothes because the limited range of motion of my arms made it difficult to get pullover tops on and off. I could not do it alone; I got kind of stuck and needed Ken's help! Ha.

I did keep a pretty scarf. I am not really an accessory person, but I figure it's worth a try.

6/27/19: I Joined Facebook Support Groups

We haven't met with the breast surgeon yet. I have a long list of questions for him, but as I wait for that appointment, I find myself leaning towards a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. Without breast reconstruction, I could either "go flat" or wear prosthetics.

To get a better idea of what to expect, I joined these Facebook groups:

Double Mastectomy Discussion And Support Group - This page includes women with and without breast reconstruction, so I can get an idea of what both paths entail. There is also a fair amount of talk about breast cancer, which is also helpful.

Fantastic Flat Fashions - Most women's clothing are designed and cut for breasts, so it can be a challenge to find clothes that fit and are flattering.

Flat & Fabulous - This page includes women who went flat immediately after a double mastectomy and also women who previously had reconstruction and then had them removed.

9/8/19 Update: It took a while, but my request to join another group was finally approved. In my experience so far, these groups have been super informative and supportive. It's important, though, to remember that each person's situation is unique, so I'm careful to filter the information for content relevant to myself, and to not compare my experiences with others'.

Flat & Fabulous Breast Cancer - A sister page to Flat & Fabulous that focuses on breast cancer treatment and support.

9/19/19 Update: Now that I've got my treatment plan that includes chemotherapy and hormone therapy, I've joined additional groups in hopes of getting a better idea of what to expect from the drugs I'll be taking (Tamoxifen, Lupron, Herceptin, Taxol).

Triple Positive Breast Cancer HER2 PR+ ER+ - A page dedicated to the type of cancer that is driving my treatment plan.

triple positive breast cancer survivors - If there's more than one group for something, I usually join the biggest one, figuring more members means more frequent posts and comments and a wider range of experiences to learn from. This group has fewer members than the other one, but not by a lot, so I just joined them both.

Tamoxifen support group - Tamoxifen treats ER-positive and PR-positive breast cancers. About 2/3 of 3 breast cancers are positive for at least one of those hormone receptors.

2/27/20 Update: I left the Tamoxifen support group, since I ended up taking exemestane instead.