There's no medical reason keeping me from going out. Even with drains in, I could have gone out, as long as I didn't drive.
I just haven't felt ready to face the world yet. Family and friends have visited me at home, which I've loved, but I don't feel ready to see anyone who doesn't already know about my cancer and surgery. I don't care about strangers, just people who I actually know.
If I don't wear prosthetics, won't they notice my flat chest? Even if they don't notice, I'll be self-conscious about it. Would they dare ask? Should I explain it pre-emptively? If someone asks, "How was your summer?", it would feel disingenuous to not mention the diagnosis and surgery. But if I do mention it, wouldn't that be "TMI" for a casual run-in? Am I just supposed to fake it to avoid uncomfortable conversations? That doesn't feel right either.
I could wear prosthetics and altogether avoid any inquiries, assuming they look natural enough to pass. But then will I feel like I'm hiding a secret? Might that also feel inauthentic? Anyway I don't feel ready to wear prosthetics yet because my chest is still sore and numb and nothing in that area feels natural right now.
So my family and I went for a walk. Well, my husband and son biked while my daughter and I walked. I have avoided walking in my neighborhood because I don't want to have to face either of the above scenarios with neighbors who don't know. So we went to a local biking/walking trail.
I'm still wearing the surgical bra and compression band (as recommended by my NP), and I wore a light button-down flannel over that. I'm glad the weather is getting cooler; at this point, I'd prefer clothes that hide, or at least don't bring attention to, my flatness, and maybe bulky fall and winter clothes will make that easier than light and breezy spring and summer clothes.
The trail is fairly well-used, and I dreaded running into someone I know, but luckily I didn't. I generally just avoided eye contact altogether. There was this one older gentleman on a bike, slowly coming towards me, who looked me right in the eyes and said a friendly, "Good morning." Just this one interaction made me start to tear up, I don't even know why. I'm just really emotional right now.
Anyway, I walked for a little over half an hour, and my Fitbit tracked just under 4,000 steps. I just took it nice and slow, and it felt really great to be active and outdoors.
I'm hoping now to start walking again every day, to get back to walking 30 minutes a day. I won't worry about keeping a "moderate" pace just yet; I'll start by just getting in the time, at whatever pace is comfortable. There's a secluded area behind our house where I used to do my walking, where I'm unlikely to run into other people. I hadn't gone walking there since the surgery because it entails going up and down a couple steep hills, but Ken and I walked it today to make sure I can handle it.
The other thing I did today was try on some clothes. I really dislike shopping, so in preparation for my new flatness, I re-activated my Stitch Fix account. I made a note in my "Style Profile" that I had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction and specifically want new clothes that "fit and flatter" my new body. I'll have to update my profile to be more clear, though, because two tops they sent me actually accentuate the flatness, rather than hide it. Haha. Maybe one day I will be ready to flaunt my flatness! But not now.
It was probably a bit early for trying on clothes because the limited range of motion of my arms made it difficult to get pullover tops on and off. I could not do it alone; I got kind of stuck and needed Ken's help! Ha.
I did keep a pretty scarf. I am not really an accessory person, but I figure it's worth a try.
I think it's fine to take things slow. It's a big adjustment for yourself, even not considering other people's reactions! It's great you are starting up with walking again, and driving. One step at a time! I would think for 'acquaintances' that you don't know well, there's no need to explain or recap anything! You're under no obligations to share, unless you *want* to. There's plenty of neighbors, other kids' parents, etc that I'm sure would not share that kind of info with me and I wouldn't be offended that they didn't, even if it's noticeable change, and honestly, it's not something I would ask about either, even if noticed, because I wouldn't want to bring up an uncomfortable topic. I always figure, if they want to share that info, they will... I don't want to pry and with something so private, I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to even never explain it at all! With closer friends, that's different, but just go with what you feel comfortable with sharing.
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