9/2/19: (10 Days Post-DMX) I Looked at My Scars Again

Even though the nurse said I didn't have to wear the compression band all the time, I've been wondering if not wearing the band while sleeping at night notably affected my drain output? I decided to put it back on 24-7. I think I can tolerate it as long as I have the band-aids to protect and prevent blisters.

I'm debating if I should call the Breast Center when the output per drain is < 30 mL or < 20 mL? It's confusing getting inconsistent instructions.

In other news, I took my second shower today. It was not as hot and not as long as my first shower, plus I brought in a small plastic stepstool to sit on, and everything went fine.

Prior to surgery, body image-wise, I was most concerned about getting truly flat results, not being lumpy with extra skin. I know my breast surgeon did an amazing job, and I am definitely pleased with the neatness of my scars and the lack of excess skin.

I had come across the possibility of actually being concave in the chest, where the breast tissue was removed, but for some reason I didn't really worry about that. I think I figured it wasn't something that could be prevented. In Facebook support groups, threads about scars and excess skin and "dog ears" (flaps of skin that hang under your armpits and look like little dog ears) always referenced the surgeon and how skilled they were, so it was something I tried to control by talking to my breast surgeon about it. But comments on threads about being concave were more matter-of-fact, sometimes kind of resigned, like no one tried to blame a poorly skilled surgeon, it just sometimes happens.

Getting ready for my shower today, it was clear that my right side is more slightly concave than flat.

Back in the Facebook support groups, some women said that the space filled out and looked better over time. Other women said that they looked more concave while they had drains - because the drains actually suction fluid from the space - and it got better after the drains came out. Most women said their concavity was permanent.

My cancer was on my right side, so it's possible the breast surgeon removed more breast tissue from that side in order to get all the cancer out and ensure clear surgical margins. That's one more reason I'd like to see my pathology report (which isn't available on the online patient portal yet); it's supposed to include a section that describes the size and weight of each specimen.

Anyway, this is going to take some getting used to. Intellectually, I know the most important thing is knowing that the cancer is gone. But emotionally, I think it's going to be harder to accept my new body with this disfigurement. Flat, I was prepared for. Concave, not so much.

I am keeping this meme at the forefront of my mind.