8/23/20: (1 Year Post-DMX) Cancerversary

Another date that marks another milestone. A year ago today, a skilled surgeon cut the cancer out of me. Once the pathology report came back clear, he declared me tumor-free. Later on, an oncology nurse used the term NED, no evidence of disease. (They were careful not to use the phrase "cancer-free" because it's impossible to know whether or not any rogue cancer cells are still lurking somewhere in my body.)

I'm not really sure how I feel. I don't think I feel particularly celebratory.

Cancer has hijacked my life for more than a year now, and I still feel like I'm in the middle of it. Surgery and chemo don't feel like they are "behind me". Some parts of my chest and underarms still feel numb from surgery. I know the numbness can actually be permanent, so I'm not expecting it to go away, but I guess I'm hoping I'll wake up one day and feel used to it. Like maybe it could feel familiar instead of weird.

Chemo doesn't feel "over and done with" either because I'm still wondering if the neuropathy in my fingers (and occasionally in my toes) could be a lingering side-effect. Plus I'm dying for my hair to grow back. I still wear a hat any time I leave the house. Yes, I'm grateful that my hair is growing back thick and black, but I hate the way it looks. It stands up more than it falls downward, and it looks like a helmet! Ugh! I really had no idea I was so vain. 

Side effects from hormone therapy seem to be getting worse. Thanks to the Lupron, hot flashes are common and annoying. Exemestane continues to cause joint stiffness. It's mostly in my fingers, but I can feel it in my legs, too. Any time I go up and down stairs, it's like it takes effort to bend my ankles. In the time it takes to cook dinner, my legs feel so stiff that sitting down to eat is a huge relief. And any time I stand up after sitting down, my knees crack. 

I have 2 infusions left for Herceptin. Still waiting for my port removal to be scheduled. Maybe once I'm past those two things, I'll feel more like I'm moving forward. 

I think I do feel frustrated. I miss feeling comfortable in my own body, and not being hyper-focused on ailments. I guess I feel kind of resigned, and wistful for my old self. 

Still, I'm optimistic that I'll one day feel "normal" again. This pandemic sure doesn't help, since nothing feels "normal" to anybody. Maybe when life out there settles into a "new normal", it'll be easier for me to do the same.